It isn’t ‘Gay Drama’. Let’s name it; it is Domestic and Dating Violence. By Kathy Flores – Harbor House Domestic Abuse Programs, Appleton Posted 7/21/2006 Many myths exist about our lives as LGBT people. The same is true for issues of LGBT domestic violence and
sexual assault. For years, when the domestic violence and sexual assault movement tried to name violence in the LGBT community, we have been turned away, many times by the LGBT community itself. There has been a fear that if we name it and try to look at it we will call negative attention to the LGBT community. There are many reasons we aren’t naming the violence. One of
the main reasons for this is a long history of oppression by denying that our relationships are equal to that of the heterosexual community. In this frustrating battle, we have worked hard to overcome this. However, in doing so, we fail to recognize some of those similarities ourselves. Domestic violence isn’t just a "straight" problem. Between 25% and 33% of
relationships between LGBT partners include abuse, a rate equal to that of heterosexual relationships. That means over a quarter of all LGBT relationships are experiencing some form of domestic violence. One of the problems we face in the LGBT Community is that many within and outside of the community think of the abuse as just ‘gay drama’. Calling abuse drama only
masks the problem and continues to empower abusers by minimizing victims’ needs. It’s time we start naming the abuse and take victims’ pleas for help seriously. If a friend, coworker, teen, or family member comes to you for help with their abusive relationship, take them seriously and listen to them and most importantly, believe them. You can offer to help them get help. Harbor House Domestic Abuse Programs of Appleton can be a great resource for you. The first barrier we face is not understanding domestic violence itself. Domestic violence can be physical, emotional, mental, verbal and sexual. There are many forms of abuse one partner can use against another partner in order to gain control. These forms of violence can include
constantly criticizing or using verbal abuse, insults and ridicule. Trying to humiliate or degrade in private or public. Manipulating through threats. Making physical, emotional economic or sexual threats. Degrading someone’s ‘gay’ status. Constantly criticizing a woman for not being ‘butch’ enough or ‘fem’ enough. Criticizing a man for being too ‘fem’ or too ‘straight acting’. Physical abuse can including slapping, hitting,
shoving, biting, choking, pushing, punching, beating and kicking. Many in the LGBT community have internalized homophobia and use their disgust of themselves to hurt their partners through intimidation and isolation. Sexual violence and rape happen every day as well in abusive relationships. Forcing someone to have sex or forcing specific sex acts is rape. Not forcing sex by
physical force but through intimidation, threats and anger if the victim doesn’t give in is sexual abuse. And, refusing to practice safe sex is abuse. There are many myths in the LGBT Community that keep us from having healthy relationships. The myth that
women don’t use force has kept lesbians in abusive relationships for far too long. Women in same-sex relationships have used physical and sexual force to assault their partners. They also use emotional, psychological, financial and verbal abuse. Women who love other women often have a hard time admitting that the woman they love is hurting them. Another myth is that men
fight but they don’t abuse each other. Our society supports, even demands, physical fighting between men. However, the fighting we see on TV or in a bar lacks the ongoing power and control that exist in an intimate relationship between men. This is not just ‘boys being boys’! When one partner has more power and control in a relationship and the other partner is being hurt, it’s abuse. Within in the Transgender community, they face an ongoing serious threat of violence and sometimes death. Often Transgender individuals face beating and death if they reveal gender status with a dating partner. For many within the Transgender community, before becoming sexually active with a partner, they have the real fear that this revelation could result in serious violence and/or death. Once individuals who are Transgender
feel their partner accepts them it can be very hard to face the prospect of leaving this relationship even if it becomes abusive. Sometimes dealing with domestic violence seems safer than dating with the prospect of beatings and death as a certainty. Sometimes LGBT people stay in abusive relationships because it can be so hard to leave. When you are part a same sex relationship you are often part of a small community of friends and family. Once you start naming the abuse and possibly end the relationship, LGBT folks face losing friends and family. Another barrier to getting help is the lack of services for the LGBT community. At Harbor House Domestic Abuse Programs, we are actively reaching out to the LGBT Community to let them know that our services are
inclusive and welcoming to you. If you are being abused in any way or know of someone being abuse, please contact Harbor House at 920-832-1666 or 1-800-970-1171. It’s confidential and free. We have advocates who can meet with you. We respect your choices so we don’t pressure you to leave your relationship but we will safety plan for you at any stage whether you are
staying, leaving or need shelter. Harbor House is working with the Wisconsin Coalitions Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault to educate. We have helped facilitate statewide training on how to work with survivors of domestic and sexual assault within LGBT relationships. If your organization would like to receive this training, contact Kathy Flores at Harbor House at
920-832-1667. We can no longer allow fear and ignorance to stop us from serving LGBT people in need help. We must find new ways to navigate systems, to change systems, and when necessary to develop our own systems. We have successfully taken
these very actions again and again in the past 100 years for other issues. We know it takes courage, time, patience, diligence, passion, allies, thick skins, funding and lots of work. We can rise to this challenge. We deserve to be safe in our homes and in our relationships. It’s time. | 
